Non-existant

Diet and exercise has literally been non-existant since I got back from vacation. I can't believe it will be the third week since I have been back.

I also decided to start fertility treatments and so far, they are not working. I feel incredibly vulnerable, angry, sad, and feel like the world is working against me.

I guess there's not much else to say. I just hope I can buckle down next week and at least start walking after work.

The Weekend was Crap

Well the weekend was crap. I ate too much.

Friday evening: Pizza Hut

Saturday: Starbucks: Mango smoothie and salted caramel square; McDonald's: two Mediterranean snack wraps; Dairy Queen: dip cone.

Sunday: Leftover pizza, popcorn, Peanut Butter Rolo ice cream.

Not my best days I tell you.

Now I am back on the bandwagon. I hope I have the cravings for junk food out of my system!

If only I could now get up early and work out! Somehow I feel like giving up now that the trip is over. But I need to keep it up because of *my health* and I need to take care of myself. What worked for me before leaving was making a checklist of items that I had to do every day before going to sleep.

Here's a sample checklist before I left on vacation:

- exercise Shred DVD
- exercise Kickbox DVD
- drink 2 or more bottles of water
- walk after work
- exfoliate lips and elbows
- cream on cuticles
- floss and brush

It's seems like such a chore now!

Not going well

I'm still feeling exhausted from the trip. I haven't been able to start working out yet, I think because of the humidity here. It's sooo hot and I am using it as an excuse. Also, I have been eating really badly especially during lunch. Before I know it, I know I will end up gaining weight :( My appointment with the fertility specialist is July 31st.

While in San Diego, we discovered a lot of interesting snacks. At a grocery store called "Lucky" we found some dried mango covered in chili, some tamarind covered in chili, some lay's chili chips, and lay's chili and lime chips. Also found a pack of 4 cans of fanta for $0.89. How wonderful were these buys!? The husband and I are taking a couple chips per night and 1 piece of dried mango. We are trying to make it last as long as possible!

Back from Vacation

So I am back from vacation. What an amazing time in California: perfect weather, perfect beaches. An annoying family who overfed us. It seemed like they did it on purpose!!

I am going to be overly critical of myself. Just a warning.

When I left for vacation on June 15th in the morning, I was 162 pounds. I was never so happy to see a number in my life. Unfortunately, I knew it would go up during the time off. And yes, it did. I weighed myself when we got back on July 1, and I am back up to 173 pounds. How sad that in a mere 2 weeks I can gain more than 10 pounds. I suppose it could have been worse though.

I looked at pictures from the trip and cannot believe how hideous and fat I look. Why is my upper body so fat?? My arms are gigantic! I think I should get lipo or something. Oh sigh. :( I am sad. And my body feels totally broken that I can't even work out anymore.

Here's a pic from San Diego with Tijuana in the background, one of the very few good pics.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Well folks, I won't be in the office for the next couple days while I wrap up stuff before leaving on vacation. I have a lot of things to do...and not looking forward to it all. I also didn't sleep well last night, I think it was too hot yesterday. I was literally dripping in sweat all night. I hate the humidity here. My hair is looking horrible for the past month.

Anyways, I am meeting my blog friend tonight. I'm worried she is going to judge me because I am so hideous and she is so gorgeous. I am wearing horrible clothes and it's raining. I look like a wreck. I have a little present for her so I hope she likes it.

This is my last entry for this month and I promised a weigh in. Here goes: 167 pounds. I know, it sucks. I have been "stressed" and therefore eating like a cow. I suspect this number will go up during the next two weeks. I always feel grumpy when I'm on vacation and my stomach isn't full. It's weird.

Hope everyone has a nice June, and see you in July! Drip sweat!

Disastrous Weekend

Well the weekend was crap. I ate a lot of food yesterday.

I had cheetos, fettucine alfredo, mint klondike bars, harveys for lunch, and then mango smoothie from booster juice. I ate a lot of food. I'm surprised I ate that much...Actually it was my day of freedom as the husband left for his work trip. I miss him already.

Anyways, only 3 days until I leave and we meet for our trip. I need to do a lot of cleaning before I leave...and I am meeting my friend tomorrow. Yay. I hope she doesn't think I'm weird ;)

TGIF

Finally it's Friday!! This was a very long week. Thankfully the lunch for the old Director was cancelled so I don't need to worry about going out and eating something unhealthy!!

Unfortunately, the past few days have been really bad. Yesterday I had shawarma sandwich with potatoes and a sprite (didn't finish the drink though) for lunch, a samosa, and some cake as an afternoon snack. In the evening, I had some samples from costco, then when we got home, some popcorn, oatmeal, ice cream and half a package of licorice. I think I got the junk food out of my system. I also think I know what happened: my period started! Totally craving sweets all day!!

Back on track today! I worked out this morning and was "dripping sweat" as Jillian Michaels likes to say. I am going to keep it up all week and I'm very excited for it. I discovered a new DVD and I'll write more about it next week.

Keep up the good work everyone and have an excellent weekend! I'm going to try to avoid getting on the scale from now on. Seeing that number just brings me down. I think I should be able to guage inch loss by how many holes I can skip in my belt!!

Something I realized this week: I don't take care of myself. I wonder why? Maybe I feel like I am not worth it. These kinds of feelings have been ingrained into me since childhood. I am terrified of doing the same to my own future children.

Not going well...

Well, things diet wise haven't being going well. I had McD's last night. And a bagel this morning. Later, we'll have cake as it is a colleague's birthday. I don't know why I give up so easily. First, I could have made my goal very easily before the trip. I messed up so many times, I don't know what is wrong with me.

I think after the husband leaves on his business trip, I might be able to pick up the healthy diet, but then I only have a few days before vacation. And I'll likely gain weight on the trip as well with all the eating out and relatives trying to shove food down my throat 24/7.

I wish I was strong, like I used to be in 2007-2009.

So there isn't going to be a weigh-in this week. The weekend was horrible, especially Sunday where I ate a lot of ice cream, rice, crackers etc. I won't do a weigh-in until the day before I leave for vacation. I am trying to be really good this week and next week. I really don't want anything to derail me, however, just thoughts of the food court are making me hungry! Hopefully I can stay on track. I did the shred this morning and I'm surprised how much I sweat this time. It felt great and my skin is looking so "glowy"!! Love it!

Post-operation appointment is tomorrow and hopefully things will go well. I've figured out what is causing my nausea (the birth control pill) so I have stopped it. I guess that means I will end up with a period this week. Not looking forward to that, but at least it will be over before vacation starts.

Back from Surgery

I am back and it feels good to see my blog again. Yesterday, I tried to access my blog and all blogs on blogger were blocked, including some very interesting blogs I follow like Mama Laughlin. I totally freaked out, but today things are fine. Phew!!!

The surgery went well and the recovery is ongoing. I think it will be another month or so until I feel 100%. Being back to work is very tiring, and still have trouble bending down. As for exercise, I have been walking a lot. But now that it is very humid, I don't think I will be walking outside anymore. I think this is part of the reason I was feeling really sick last night. So I think I should stick to late evening walks when there's a bit of breeze.

It is difficult to convince the husband to go for walks with me...he is becoming lazier and lazier by the day. I sometimes feel like he has turned into me when I was overweight and inactive. I kind of know how he feels though, he used to be so full of energy and I would be like "whatever, I'm too tired". Now that I am trying to be more active, our roles have reversed and I don't like it. But he's not like that all the time. Sometimes he pushes me too far. It's like when we went hiking and I really couldn't do more than 1 hour, but he wanted to do more. I just couldn't do it and he needs to know that I know my body's limits!!

Anyways, more importantly here is the weigh in for this week. I haven't done measurements recently but I am currently stuffed into size 12 pants. My legs look like sausages but I hope it will stop me from eating at the food court.

Weight: 165.6 pounds

You may be interested to know that I have been stuck at this weight for the last week. I guess I have plateaued. I need to figure out a way to get out of it, and I started by having a big lunch and I don't think I'll do any walking today. Hopefully this will shake up my usual routine and I will try starting the shred tomorrow morning. Good luck in the coming week!

Hiking

The weekend was great. I kept up the healthy eating and exercise.

Saturday I wanted to go hiking so we went hiking around Pink Lake in the Gatineau Hills. It was a really nice hike, I'd say moderately difficult. I'm glad the weather was a bit cool so I didn't feel hot and sweaty and gross. I had trouble going up and down, mostly up...As I stopped and held the railing as the stairs going up seemed to never end, and the husband was a few feet in front of me, we noticed a woman carrying her baby in her arms, with two kids going up with no apparant problems. The husband gave me a look which I know meant "you should be embarassed of yourself...the woman with her tiny baby is doing better than you". I felt embarassed and ashamed of myself, but carried on. I'm surprised I even made it to the end...I suppose once you've started, there's no turning back until you reach the end because you're in the middle of nowhere. Well, I realized, I am very out of shape despite losing weight!!

The husband wanted to hike more, but I couldn't do it. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but my socks and shoes were hurting my feet. I think my feet had swollen...and I should have probably worn the special running socks...instead of the cotton ones where you end up with blisters. I also packed a protein bar and water so that was quite useful because I was starving afterwards.

Sunday, I didn't do much...except level 1 of the shred. I also cooked a bunch of chicken breasts and froze some broccoli. It's my prep for the week ahead.

I had the pre-op this morning and they woman took my weight and height. And there was some bloodwork as well. I'm concerned that I won't be able to lift weight for at least 2 weeks, but she said walking is fine. I guess walking will have to do. Thinking back, I really wish I had kept up the healthy eating and exercise for all those weeks...I would have been better off if I had lost another 10 pounds, but I guess there's no point in looking back.

So, the final weigh in before surgery is 170 pounds. I'll be off work for the next 2.5 weeks therefore check in at the end of May for what I have been up to. I am embarassed to admit this to the world, but I do not have internet at home, therefore it will be difficult to update. If I can get to a public library during my off time and if I'm feeling better, I'll post an update.

Last Weekend Before Surgery!

Well the week was interesting to say the least. I went to see the Optifast doctor earlier in the week. He looked at my chart and apparantly I was 198 pounds in November 2011. Really? Why can't I remember that? Of course, now that I actually think about it, I remember being majorly depressed about all aspects of my life that I was very suicidal.

Anyways, he weighed me again, and now I am 172 pounds and my waist is 36". But when I measure my waist at home, I'm still 38" so I'm not sure what that's about. I think he measured it too tight. But hey at least a 30" waist seems within reach (finally...after 3 years!!).

I got a couple boxes of Optifast and will probably replace 1 meal per day with it. Love the chocolate flavour.

This weekend is going to be tough, but I have to make it through no matter what. It will be the last weekend before the surgery and I want to keep exercising until the day before surgery. I hope the weather is nice and we can go hiking tomorrow or Sunday. I just don't want it to be too humid.

Another week

Well another week has started and another weekend I spent binging. Not good. I have gained weight, of course. It's the same thing week after week. I wish I could get out of this rut.

Anyways, I guess all I can do is work out as much as possible before the surgery. The pre-op is booked for Monday morning. I have been googling stuff, and totally freaked out about could potentially happen after the surgery. I wonder how long after I can start working out again. I'm not looking forward to the humid weather, but seriously I am loving working out at home. Now, if only we had air conditioning.

I was at Chapter's last night and saw that Jillian Michaels has a new video. I forget what it is called...but it looks interesting.

Countdown to Surgery

I'm not sure what has happened to blogger. Since we don't have google chrome at work, the new post page is looking quite strange. That sucks, I loved the old format. Sigh.

Well I don't think I am going to weigh myself until the day before the surgery. I don't want to be discouraged. I had a major craving for poutine yesterday at lunch and I got it. Then also had strawberries and tapioca. Then had McD's for dinner. Not a healthy or good day for me.

Feeling like crap because I haven't done the shred this week. I am not able to get up for some reason. I think it's the weather. Haven't even walked after work because the husband is taking a course near my building so he just picks me up after work.

My throat is hurting. Had my teeth cleaned last night, and the polish they do with those granules seem to be stuck in my throat.

Disasterous Weekend

The weekend started out well. I stuck to my diet on Saturday and even did the shred in the morning.

Unfortunately, I knew the visit of the husband's friend would ruin everything. The husband said it "wouldn't look nice" if I ate my chicken and broccoli for lunch instead of eating what the "guest" was having. What I made was beef, chicken, rice, bread, pasta salad. Dessert included ice cream, cappucino and some carrot cake the guy brought over. The carrot cake was soooo good. I feel like having some more.

I likely ate a lot of food and unfortunately, the weight is back up to 175 pounds. Sigh. I know it is likely all water weight but I was at 172 on Saturday. Fuck my life.

Last night, I slept at 6:30pm because I wasn't feeling well. I got up at 7:30am this morning and didn't have enough time to work out. It's also snowing today.

Back on the bandwagon.

What a Long Week!

This felt like a really really long week. I'm glad it's friday, but not looking forward to my meals over the weekend. It's supposed to be rainy so we'll likely be home for the most part.

The husband is inviting his friend from work for dinner on Sunday. I'm going to have my separate dinner of chicken and broccoli. Frankly I don't care if it "looks bad" that I am not eating the same stuff as them. Not looking forward to making dessert either.

I keep reminding myself that I have 2.5 weeks to make a huge dent in my weight before the surgery. And then after it, who knows how long it is before I can work out again.

Surgery Scheduled

I met with the surgeon yesterday and he scheduled surgery to remove my gallbladder for May 9th. I am worried, but I'm sure everything will be fine.

Therefore, I need to lose as much weight as possible before the surgery. Who knows how long it will take me to recover afterwards and I may not be able to work out for a while.

We are also planning a trip to California for mid-June so I am semi-excited about that. I really want to fit into my "regular" sized jeans. I'm not sure that will happen though. I don't want to be fat because I know I won't be able to enjoy anything.

Potential Vacation

The husband brought up going on a potential vacation in mid-June. Of course, this stressed me out to the max. I realized that I need to buckle down and lose as much weight as possible before the trip. It concerns me because I haven't lost as much weight as I thought I would so far. I also tend to hit plateau's what seems like every other week. So to fix this issue, I decided to do level 1 and level 2 of the shred one after another this morning. It was amazing how much I sweat. Hope to keep this up for 7 days and then I'll start another one of JM's videos. I have a number of them...I think I might do 6 weeks to 6 pack (or something like that...can't remember the title). Depending on the intensity of that, I might also do yoga meltdown.

I also received a call from the doctor's office. He has a cancellation today, so I am going to see him about my gallbladder and hopefully schedule surgery! I hope I remember all the questions I want to ask because I usually blank out.

Nice Weekend

Well, for the first time in a long while, I actually had a nice weekend. Friday evening/Monday morning I was pushed to the brink because of an in-law issue, however, I remained calm and made it through the weekend. I did the shred on Saturday and Sunday and stayed with my eating plan (except for 3 potato wedges from the husband's plate that he couldn't finish).

Saturday, we headed out and wanted to go to the Gatineau Hills to go hiking. Unfortunately, it was still closed. So then we went to the mall downtown. We parked far away so we had a nice walk to the mall. We went into Sephora, more at the insistance of the husband, and he wanted me to try on some lipstick. Now I have been feeling crap about myself and haven't worn make-up in a long while. So he made me try on this fushcia pink colour. It made me look amazing. I was actually surprised that such a bright colour actually looked good on me. I think I will go and buy that on the way home tonight.

We walked around the mall and the husband had McD's. I was strong and had a protein bar and a bottle of water.

Sunday was more of a lazy day, watched tv all day and had a nice nap in the middle of the day.

Now for Monday results:

Weight: 175 lbs

Bust: 40"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 42"

Keep it up for this week!

First attempt at the C25K

This afternoon was my first attempt at the C25K plan. I wrote instructions on a little sticky:

• 5 minute warm-up walk
• 60 seconds jogging and
• 90 seconds walking
• Walking/jogging for a Total: 20 minutes

First of all, it is a major pain to do this with a normal watch...had to take it off my wrist and hold it in my hand. Was also worried I might drop it.

I managed the 5 minute warm-up walk alright. Five minutes passed by pretty quickly. I started the first 60 seconds of jogging. A couple people were walking in front of me. I stopped 5 seconds short. Ok, not bad right? Then I reached the light to cross the road. Waited about 4 minutes for that to happen. (yeah I know, what a weird intersection). Continued on and walked for 90 seconds. Then started jogging, but saw someone coming towards me in the distance so stopped. Basically, I ended up walking for the rest of the 20 minutes. I was pretty sweaty.

Well I don't know if I can say this was a good start, but at least I went out and did it. I don't know why I am so conscious when someone walks by me. I know that no one is judging me. But maybe it was because I wasn't in the "usual" work out gear. I suppose I could also stop being lazy and change into running shoes and jogging pants and a sweat shirt. I am basically wearing my work clothes, hiking boots and winter jacket (yes I am still wearing my winter jacket cuz I am always cold and don't want to get sick).

My jacket is absoluetly hideous. It is a weird brown poo colour, missing buttons and extremely dirty. I suppose I could throw it in the wash, get the buttons fixed, or just get a new jacket, but I really want to throw this one away after I lose weight and hopefully it will be the last winter in my life that I will wear it. I also have a brand new gorgeous plum coloured winter coat hanging in the cupboard at home, but it doesn't fit me.

Anyways, I hope to have better luck this weekend. I'm going to buy some chicken and veggies tonight so I have no excuses this weekend. I know in the past, I haven't been sticking to the meal-plans on Saturday and Sunday, so I think I need structured weekends as well.

A pound here and there

Instead of being so hard on myself when I only lose a couple pounds a week, I think I should think of it in a new way. In fact, ever since reading it on someone's blog, I force myself to think about at night.

The next time I feel discouraged, I will go to the store and carry a pound of ground beef and see how heavy it is! This will help visualize what I have taken off my body.

This week has been difficult. So far, the healthy eating is going well, but the exercise isn't. I wasn't able to get up this morning to work out. I will go for a walk this afternoon after work. Hopefully I can get up early tomorrow. I also need to prep my dinners for this week.

Not looking forward to tomorrow when I have my laser hair removal appointment for my legs. The technician is going to up the setting and it's going to hurt like a biatch.

Horrible Weekend

Well, the four-day weekend was horrible. Friday morning, I got up early to do the shred. Unfortunately, that was the only good thing I did all weekend.

The remaining days involved ice cream and pizza and a lot of snacks. Sigh. I am so weak on the weekends. I felt like crap last night as I lay in bed thinking about what happened.

There's no official weigh in and measurements today. I am back to 180.8 pounds this morning. The sad part is that on Friday after doing the shred, I weight 175 pounds. :(

I am so disappointed in myself. I guess I will work hard this week.

Easter Weekend

I actually slept through the entire night last night. It was amazing. I woke up so late. But I still managed to do the shred, prepare the husband's lunch and snacks for the day, and have my breakfast. It just meant I had to give up my shower for the morning. But frankly, I don't care if I stink anymore. I'm trying my best to do what I can. My exercise comes first, then everything else. And if I don't have time to shower, so be it!

I've discovered somewhat of a cure for my consipation and it's the iron tablets. I've taken it every day this week and so far so good.

It's a long weekend, so I won't be posting my results until Tuesday. I'm so excited too see my progress. It's difficult not to weigh myself in-between my check-in days, but I have to be strong. I get discouraged really really easily and don't want anything to mess up the four days I am off. I know the husband is going to want to go somewhere, which usually involves eating somewhere unhealthy. I will have to make healthy choices or bring my own food. It's going to be a real challenge.

Awesomeness all around

I continue to surprise myself. For the past 3 days, I got up at 6am to do the shred! It feels awesome. I'm so happy with myself and I guess it goes to show you that if you really want to be healthy, you can do it. I have owned the shred DVD for about 3 years now. And I have never reached level two! I hope to move to level two this coming Monday.

Speaking of Monday, I can't wait to check my weight and update my blog with my statistics. I am obsessed with eating healthy and working out these days. I think about it before sleeping as well and I feel that eating less sugar has made me a generally happier person...or should I say less grumpier person. I have also successfully avoided the candy/chocolate bowl our receptionist keeps. Also another colleague brought in cake pops (looked delish) and I had avoided them because I knew I wouldn't be able to have just one. The receptionist came by my office yesterday and waved the whole container in front of my face. Seriously how rude! I still resisted though and I'm glad I did.

In other news, I am still waiting for a call from the surgeon's office regarding my gallbladder. I'm on the cancellation list and they said it would be soon. I want to lose a lot of weight before seeing him because I am worried during surgery there might be too much fat in my stomach area.

I hope the cool weather continues. I don't like it when it gets too hot or too cold.

7 day results

The weekend was tough. I stuck to my diet, but also saved some calories for my popcorn obsession. The husband left to meet a friend for lunch on Saturday and I stayed home and did the shred. Although I felt really exhausted, I stuck to it and felt great afterwards. Sunday was going by so slowly and I tried to sit on the stationary bike but it was too difficult. I ended up with a cough (daym weak lungs) and so I stopped. I did a few jumping jacks, but my pj's kept falling off so I was like forget that.

Now for the 7 day results.

Weight - 178.2 lbs (-3.6 lbs)

Bust - 41" (yeah wtf, it went up 1"? Or maybe I measured from a different place this time)
Waist - 38.5" (-0.5")
Hips - 43" (same)

I felt really really disappointed this morning. I thought I would have at least lost 5 pounds, especially because of all the walking I have been doing. But then, I talked myself through it. I thought if my friend lost three pounds, I would say hey good work!! Why am I so hard on myself? Then I proceeded to do the shred and felt great afterwards. It's a short week this week, only 3 more days to get up early and do the shred. I can do it!

I thought about my weight some more on the way to work. I haven't had a bowel movement in 3 days so perhaps there is a 2 pound shit waiting to pass. I know I know, gross, but this is how I talk to myself and wonder how the heck I didn't lose 5 pounds...Ok I am not going to think about that anymore. Looking forward to the coming week and working harder!!!!

Meal-Plan and Weekend-Plan

I am pretty happy that I stuck to healthy food choices all week. I am following the meal-plan from Jillian Michael's Master Your Metabolism book. It's so easy to pick from the options she presents for each meal, and almost everything requires little preparation (and I did most of my prep last weekend).

I'm more worried about my eating over the weekend. I am married to a person who eats continuously on the weekends, be it junk or healthy or whatever. It's literally non-stop. I usually get up and have breakfast and then go back to sleep just so that I don't do any mindless snacking. If I sit in the front of the TV, I have the biggest cravings for popcorn. I bought the low-fat low-salt bag which is about 150 calories per half bag (I eat the whole bag so 300 calories). Otherwise, I am always reaching for stuff in the cupboards. I am also a huge fan of cereal and I could polish off a whole box in one day. Even though I choose healthy cereals now like Kashi or plain Cheerios, eating the whole box with milk adds a whole lot of calories I really don't need.

I'm going to have to make an effort to be active and go out for a walk/jog. It's supposed to be sunny on Saturday at least. I have to go pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, which is a 20 minute walk away. so And maybe on Sunday, I can convince the husband to walk to the grocery store, which is also a 20 minute walk.

Lack of sleep

I haven't been sleeping well all week. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it could be stress related. I lay in bed awake from 9:45 p.m. to 2:30 a.m. My job situation is uncertain and I could get the axe any day. I have a feeling that it might happen in June, after a big meeting in town that I am providing logistical support for.

It's mid-week and I cannot wait to post my weight and measurements on Monday. After I reach my goal, this blog will turn into a fashion and travel blog. It seems so far away though. I guess I should concentrate on short-term goals instead of long-term goals because it seems too overwhelming.

The weather is rainy and drab and I don't feel like doing anything. Combined with the lack of sleep, I haven't been able to start the Shred. I have started back taking my B12, iron, and materna supplements. I tend to stop for no real reason except laziness, but I think it's time to stick to it. The iron should help me get up in the morning although I don't think the results will be immediate. A colleague recommended liquid iron, and I will look into that once this bottle is done.

Welcome to my Blog

I created this blog to keep track of my weight loss. I have been struggling with my weight for the past 3 years. I need to be more accountable in losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. I'm sick of getting home at 7:00 p.m., scarfing down a greasy dinner, then vegging in front of the TV until 11:00 p.m. and falling asleep.

My statistics on March 26, 2012 are as follows:

Weight - 181.8 lbs

Bust - 40"
Waist - 39"
Hips - 43"

My goal is to be 139 lbs.

I am 33 years old and some of my medical issues include: PCOS, low iron, low B12, depression, and gallstones.

Every Monday in April, I will be updating my statistics.